Labels: doomsday, evil, guns, joke

Labels: idiots, joke

Labels: alcohol, guns, idiots, joke

"You'd be amazed how few penises you have to steal... in order to create a panic"

Labels: Daily Show, joke, TV

Labels: doctor, health care, joke, true

"No returns on boomerangs"

Labels: joke

Labels: joke

Labels: joke

Quest to make cattle fart like marsupials

Labels: cows, joke, news, science

Labels: AZ, frightening thought, joke, Rachel, shakespeare, women

Q. How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Neocons don't bother with light bulbs. They declare a War on Darkness and set the house on fire.

From the liberal-conservative (?) blog I read: The Daily Dish.

Labels: joke, neocon, politics

Labels: frightening thought, joke, random, stories

Labels: joke, random, tattoo

An excerpt from Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation. It's an acerbic, very British book about people being snarky about proper punctuation... and it's about as witty and funny as a grammar book could ever be (and of course was written by a British lady).

This is the passage that completely sold me on the book:

Churchill said hyphens were "a blemish, to be avoided wherever possible". Yet there will always be a problem about getting rid of the hyphen: if it's not extra-marital sex (with a hyphen), it is perhaps extra marital sex, which is quite a different bunch of coconuts. ... The two hundred odd members of the Conservative Party would be lost without it.

There you go. Indulging in my grammar nerdiness. I also helped proof a bunch of my colleagues' descriptions of their term projects. Just wait a few years and I'll be a mad crusader online, or running around my school after class demanding to see that my students' text messages are grammatically correct...

Labels: books, grammar, joke, obsession, school

So for those of you who may be unfortunate enough to drive in southern Phoenix anytime soon, you should know that there are two freeways called the 202, which goes around the bottom of Phoenix. They run parallel. Why didn't they name the second (more Southerly) one the 303?

I got lost today. Thoroughly lost - like, wandering through neighborhoods while trying to find a freaking freeway lost. And as I came through the suburban Hell, we randomly went across what turned out to be the 60 ... but there was no obvious way to get onto it. No on-ramp, nothing. It was just taunting me. This is already after like 3 hours of driving in rush-hour traffic. I wanted to kill someone, preferably whoever decided 303 was a bad number. As I drove over it, I turned to my wife (who was also in the truck at the time though much more amused by the situation) and said,

"You know, if this truck had better suspension, I think I'd just drive right off the bridge."

And I was completely serious.

Currently listening : I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning By Bright Eyes

Labels: driving, joke, Phoenix, truck

"I bite what I fear,
I suck what I love."

Currently reading : The Eyre Affair By Jasper Fforde

Labels: joke, Rachel, stories, true

Sociology is applied Psychiatry
Psychiatry is applied Psychology
Psychology is applied Biology.
Biology is applied Chemistry
Chemistry is applied Physics
Physics is applied Mathematics
Mathematics is applied Existentialism
Existentialism is basically mental masturbation.

Therefore everything is applied mental masturbation.

Q.E.D.

I should mention that the fact that Everything's bull doesn't strip Everything of its worth - just that it can't be taken seriously. Lord knows I need to take things less seriously, and yet, do more about them...

Labels: joke, philosophy, random, religion, school

They have no class.

Labels: communists, joke

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Currently listening : Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own By U2

Labels: Chuck Norris, joke

The Bushes! The Bushes! GOoooooOOOooo Bushes!



... actually I am fairly certain he's not Satan but nothing else really seemed appropriate.

Currently listening : All That You Can't Leave Behind By U2

Labels: joke, politics, random, rant

At this time, a girl I liked at the time came in towards the end of my shift. She was at the stage where she thought I liked her, but was still doing that whole "I might be interested but I'm not letting on" thing.

Since the schedule was always changing, she asked, "when do you get off?"

"All the time, baby. All the time."

She looked like a deer in headlights, but my co-workers were laughing hysterically. Er, I did not date said girl... But it was totally worth it.

Currently listening : Elevator By Hot Hot Heat

Labels: joke, memory, random, sex, stories, true, work

*poof*

hai!

hai!

Labels: joke, random

Labels: college, frightening thought, idiots, joke, stories, true

"Honey, what are you doing in there?"

"Experimenting on aliens. I found them in the back yard" (Note we have no back yard, as we live in a duplex).

"I see. What are you doing to them?"

"Usual stuff - dissection. I had moral issues about it but ... fuck it."

Currently listening : Long After Dark By Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Labels: aliens, conspiracy, joke, Rachel, random, stories, true

The U.S. Government couldn't possibly hide anything of real significance - such as aliens living among us - because it simply doesn't run effectively or efficiently enough to do so.

Currently listening : Absolution By Muse

Labels: conspiracy, family, government, joke

We talked just for a bit about how this idea may or may not be as frightening as "the Corinthian" from Neil Gaiman's Sandman graphic novels - he has mouths with sharp teeth instead of eyes, and eats victims' eyes with them. We had this conversation outside as I was on my way to work.

I believe this 'vagina dentata' thing is much scarier because, as I put it: "I am not in the habit of stuffing my penis into other people's eyes."

Just then, I noticed our 10-year-old little girl neighbor peeking over the fence. I think I've just scarred someone for life.

Currently listening : Last Splash By The Breeders

Labels: frightening thought, joke, neighbors, sex, true

Labels: cars, frightening thought, gas, joke

Q: What do you call the American litigation system?

A: The Suer System.

Currently listening : Shalabi Effect By Shalabi Effect

Labels: joke, lawyer