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| Thursday, May 01, 2008 |
| The Heart Attack Special |
Back when I used to work at a smoothie/sandwich shop right on University Blvd., I made
myself all sorts of sandwiches for myself for lunch. I probably saved myself ten grand working at that place by drinking smoothies and eating there two or three times a day. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly meat-loving, I would make what I called the "Heart Attack Special."
When I was 20, and biked or walked everywhere, and ate two smoothies a day, I could have gotten away with a steady diet of nothing but canola oil and beer and stayed skinny, although I'd have died of a blood clot a lot sooner than I almost did (in 2004).
The heart-attack special was a sandwich made on toasted sourdough bread. It wasn't all bad - the "good" toppings were hummus, alfalfa sprouts, red lettuce, and red onion. But it also had four huge slices of cheese (2 Havarti, 1 extra-sharp cheddar, 1 provolone), a sprinkling of grated Parmesan cheese, Caesar dressing, three strips of bacon, three slices of roast beef, a slice of ham, three slices of pastrami.
It was a big damn sandwich.
This comes to mind because nowdays there are so many options out there that make my sandwich look positively good for your arteries. Some of the highlights:
I have a problem with mixing chocolate into breakfast foods or meats. It just seems wrong to me. I maintain that Coco-Puffs and Count Chocula are horrible, and only redeemed in any way by their pop culture impact.Labels: food, frightening thought, health care, true |
posted by Steve @ 11:03 AM  |
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| Monday, October 15, 2007 |
| #3 Worst Realization Ever |
So, the Number Three Worst Realization I've Ever Had*:
"I am standing in a pool of my own blood."
Yes, that very thought occurred to me this morning after sitting down to work at my computer. I sat down, had a cup of OJ, scratched my foot and set to work. Half an hour later, I shift my left foot and it's sticking to the floor, and covered in something thick and syrupy.
My own blood. Curiously, I knew this before looking down. Without even feeling any real pain - I just knew that when I looked down there was really only one thing it could be.
So I'm standing in a pool of my own blood; there's enough around my foot that there's a discernable depth to it. This is because as I mentioned before I scratched my foot - specifically, a cut that I'd had weeks ago. I figured it was pretty well healed by now; I hadn't felt any pain from it in a week. But as anybody who's had a boisterous childhood knows, the extremities bleed like crazy.
So I had to grab a wad of paper towels, wake up Rachel briefly to horrify her, wash off my foot, and then go and mop up my pool of blood.
I really considered taking a picture, but it seemed just wrong. I just hope that (A) my foot will stop getting numb, and that (B) it clots up soon. I should probably eat a few extra vitamins today.
*Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure there's worse realizations I've had but only two other ones are worse that immediately come to mind. The other two were, "There is nothing I can do to prevent this speeding car from falling off that cliff" (#2) and "I have 24 hours to live" (#1).
I guess I've had some exciting moments so far, haven't I?Labels: blood, frightening thought, stories, work |
| posted by Steve @ 8:27 AM |
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| Friday, July 20, 2007 |
| Menstrual Cycles in the Middle Ages |
So, Rachel, AZ and I were discussing chocolate's ability to soothe a menstrual cycle:
Steve: So, I've got a question - what happened in the middle ages, before chocolate was available?
Rachel: Oh, I have an answer - Lady Macbeth.Labels: AZ, frightening thought, joke, Rachel, shakespeare, women |
| posted by Steve @ 5:49 PM |
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| Saturday, September 30, 2006 |
| I made a joke today no. 4: Naked people |
A guy walks into a store, completely naked.
At the counter, a little old lady looks up, sees him, and opens her eyes and mouth in suprise. She can't quite get to saying anything out of indignation, though.
The guy looks his own naked self, and says, "Oh! Oh, man! Please tell me this is a dream - this always happens in bad dreams."
The little old lady slowly shakes her head, "no," not shutting her eyes or mouth.
The man turns a deep shade of red and starts backing up out of the store.
"I can't believe I forgot my wallet."
Incredibly, the old lady's eyes open wider.
"See, I forgot them in my other pants."Labels: frightening thought, joke, random, stories |
| posted by Steve @ 10:56 PM |
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| Sunday, September 18, 2005 |
| True Story no. 3: Rachel's homework |
| These are four homework questions my wife was assigned in her English classes at U of A: Assignment 1: 1 The influence of foreign languages - Latin and both Norman and Central French in particular - has always been important in the history of English. Explain in detail the patterns of influence of these languages (chiefly lexical but also orthographic, grammatical, and morphological) on English from the early Middle English times through the eighteenth century. 2 Suppose that the Beowulf poet, Chaucer, and Shakespeare were all seated in a room attempting to communicate with one another about matters in general. Explain in detail the advantages and disadvantages that each of them would have in speaking with the other two. Would any of those advantages or disadvantages be significantly different if they were writing to each other instead? Assignment 2 1 Explain in a clear, orderly way the major phonological phenomena affecting the English language from Common Germanic times through the Old English period. 2 Clearly explain in as much detail as you can the major morphological features of Old English verbs, nouns, and adjectives that make those parts of speech different from their forms in Present-Day English. um wow...  | Currently listening :
Led Zeppelin
By Led Zeppelin |
Labels: college, frightening thought, Rachel, school, stories, true |
| posted by Steve @ 7:42 PM |
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| Wednesday, September 14, 2005 |
| A Funny Thing Happened Today No. 2: Oompa-Loompa... |
On the radio today, there was an ad for the 'spray-on' tanning spa. Which is fine, even though I don't think most people need any more tanning than they get just being outside from time to time.
They have a special going on now for college students, $14 per tan until October 31st. I guess they figure after Halloween, nobody's interested in looking like an (old school) Oompa-Loompa.Labels: college, frightening thought, idiots, joke, stories, true |
| posted by Steve @ 11:50 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 07, 2005 |
| Frightening thought No. 3: Vagina Dentata |
My wife has enlightened me to the fact that there is a term for the notion of how a vagina could be a mouth .. with teeth. I find this really disturbing. The term is 'vagina dentata'.
We talked just for a bit about how this idea may or may not be as frightening as "the Corinthian" from Neil Gaiman's Sandman graphic novels - he has mouths with sharp teeth instead of eyes, and eats victims' eyes with them. We had this conversation outside as I was on my way to work.
I believe this 'vagina dentata' thing is much scarier because, as I put it: "I am not in the habit of stuffing my penis into other people's eyes."
Just then, I noticed our 10-year-old little girl neighbor peeking over the fence. I think I've just scarred someone for life.
 | Currently listening :
Last Splash
By The Breeders |
Labels: frightening thought, joke, neighbors, sex, true |
| posted by Steve @ 2:33 AM |
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| Tuesday, September 06, 2005 |
| Frightening Thought No. 2: Gas prices |
| I was taking my wife to work today, and in traffic out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman putting her small child onto the ledge of an outside gas station booth - you know, the ones where it's a small island with a few snacks and a bored high school kid. And for just one misguided instant .. I thought the child was payment. Labels: cars, frightening thought, gas, joke |
| posted by Steve @ 4:41 AM |
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| Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
| Frightening Though no.1 |
Nose rapist. And all of the frightening ideas associated with that phrase. It's like a little pyramid scheme of scary thoughts with that phrase at the top and all the other frightening ideas branching off. As so.
I. Nose rapist.
1. Nose dildo
i. I'll never look at nose plugs the same way.
a. I'll never think of plugs, in general, the same way
ii. Ribbed for your pleasure
2 Nose sex
i. Enlarging devices .. for your NOSTRILS.
ii. Would this help a cold?
a. I'll never look people with runny noses the same way ... bodily juices ... ugh.
3. Imagine the social repercussions!
i. Imagine the PSA's that would encourage you to seek help after being nasally raped.
ii. Imagine the porn sites (she's got a huge pair of .... schnozz holes)
a. Schnozz holes orgies = OMFG
... Aaaaaand so on.
 | Currently listening :
Never There, Part 1
By Cake |
Labels: fetish, frightening thought, nose, sex |
| posted by Steve @ 1:24 AM |
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| About Me |
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Name: Steve
Home: Tucson, Arizona, United States
About Me: I like to think about things, and I occasionally like to write what I think.
See my complete profile
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