Raggot the Unfortunate Gerbil   
A note about this story

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomazewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomazewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.", he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomazewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomazewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Editor's Notes : Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."

9. "So I peered in to the tube ...".(I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey in Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube ..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief ? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People names "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up his butt."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.

It should be noted that this story, sadly, isn't true.  That doesn't make it any less amusing, though, and truth never seemed like a good reason to me to stop telling a good story.  Versions of this gerbilling fiction date back at least to 1993 when a faked United Press International item appeared on the Internet, one that named Vito Bustone and Kiki Rodriguez of Lake City, Florida, as the accident victims. (The gerbil's name was withheld by request of the family.) Other versions have been falsely attributed to the Los Angeles Times with the events said to have taken place in Salt Lake City, Utah. Rest assured that neither news outlet ever published a news article about these fictitious events.  (from Greenspun).