"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. 
There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"When I picked up your book I was so convulsed with laughter that I had to set it down, but one day I intend to read it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well, I have others."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas
and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill."