INSTANT MESSAGING  
ABOUT IM FOR PARENTS
BY STEVE MCMACKIN

First and foremost, IM is a communication tool and so all of the same basic encouragements and concerns about any form of communication apply.  It’s OK to talk to your friends about gossip and school or whatever with your friends, just like talking on the phone.  If you talk to strangers, do so carefully and don’t tell them things that you wouldn’t tell any other stranger – especially, you wouldn’t just hand your home address or phone number to just anybody walking down the street.  Essentially, everything I am about to relate comes down to the appropriate and inappropriate things to communicate, because that’s all IM really is: A way to communicate.

There are several different types of IM.  The most popular is AOL Instant Messenger (or AIM), but there are many others including ICQ, MSN, and Yahoo!.  I use a program called Trillian, which actually combines all of the above into one program.  I first started using AIM in 1995 (when I was 15), ICQ in 1997, MSN in 1998, and Yahoo! in 2000.  So, I’ve been on these things long enough to have been one of the children a parent would be worried about.

Because it is often forgotten, I will first relate the good side of IM.  The whole point of having IM is that it is very easy to communicate with people at the computer.  The single handiest thing I’ve ever used IM for was when I was in college, working on a project with many people late at night.  There were 6 people working, all in different living spaces, researching something together.  Whenever we had a question or point to make, we would send a message.  This was much better than a conference call because we only messaged perhaps once every half hour, and it was usually a one-sentence sort of thing.  We could also send bits and pieces of our paper to each other for proof-reading and suggestions.

IM is also good for idle chit-chat when doing other things.  Recently, I’ve been packing up our apartment, but have carried on nice conversations over IM.  The conversation is slower, because of the typing, and I don’t feel pressured to be constantly talking like on the phone.  Spaces of five or ten minutes abound in a normal IM conversation, when I’m distracted or otherwise being productive.

Several of my students also used IM to ask quick questions of me about assignments and class work, as well as just to chat about the Suns, maniac little brothers, and whether or not Chile makes good chili peppers.

The last thing that I particularly like about using IM is that the extra half-second you get to formulate your thoughts can make for very good conversation.  While even the best orators have an “umm…” moment from time to time, IM allows for more time to have a witty conversation.  Many jokes and whole stories and worlds have been created on IM because of this.

There are, of course, down sides to IM.  The good news is that there is an easy, bulletproof way to avoid all of them: only talk to people that you actually know and like, and don’t tell anybody things you shouldn’t tell anybody.

The restriction of too-personal information is at the core of your protection on IM.  Every client (e.g., each program, each provider) allows the user to put as much or as little information about themselves as they like.  This information is very, very public.  Treat it that way.  Imagine walking around town with a big placard that says it all.  Some students I know mostly filled it with in-jokes to their friends, which I think is great (perhaps because most of the jokes had occurred in my class and so I knew the jokes).  Others put music they’re listening to.  Also fine.  Personally, I put a bit about myself, and my full name and Zip code; this allows for old friends to find and contact me (this has happened many times), and gives a general idea where I’m living without being too specific.  However, since most 15-year-olds don’t have to worry about friends they lost track of 16 years ago, I recommend putting down just a nickname instead of your real name (even just your first name), and perhaps the general area (North Phoenix, University area of Tucson).  That way there’s not enough to look up in a phone book.

If you are making a new instant message name, don’t use any part of your real name in it, especially your last name.  After all, if your name is Sandra Jones and your IM name is sjones15, it’s easy to ask what your mom’s name is, and then it’s easy to look up your phone number and address in the phone book.

Another thing to do is to disable random chat.  A feature of every IM client I’ve ever seen is to have it pick someone totally at random for you to talk to.  Every IM client I’ve ever seen also allows you to disallow people from randomly sending you messages.  Think of it as a “do not call list” option.  This feature is doubly handy in that the vast majority of people that randomly message you are (1) very bored people and (2) very boring people.  It was the same in 1997 as it is now – not worth it, and will keep some creeps at bay.

Several clients also offer the ability to make your enthusiasm for any particular subject (i.e., the Phoenix Suns, Harry Potter) public and searchable, so that other people who also like those subjects can find and message you.  In my experience, this works best if it’s something fairly specific, such as an unusual book or a particular kind of cheese. (My favorite is a toss-up between Havarti and Vintage Cheddar.)  This way you get people with whom you can at least rave on about cheese with.  And who wouldn’t love that?

The creepiest place in the IM world is, by far, public chat rooms.  I found a good way to turn them off at this site: http://surfsafely.com/surfsafety/news/2003-03-20.html.  Again, completely random people are extremely rarely interesting.

Another tactic for limiting yourself to only cool people is to only give your IM name in person.  Think of it like a phone number.  But really, again, it comes down to just talking to people you know.

These are the simple things you can do while online.  There are yet other ways of keeping your child safe on IM at home as well  This section is more for the parents.

One is to password-protect the IM client.  Every user name or user number is unique (for example, on AIM, my name is BMacPhisto, named for the U2 stage character), and every name or number has a password.  Simply change the password, and so the child will have to ask to sign in so that they can use IM.  Bear in mind, though, that most clients allow multiple users, so be sure they don’t just add more names and use them instead.

Another is to ask who each person is on their contact list.  Every IM client has a list of people that it shows as being online – people that they can talk to.  If they can identify who everyone is (and you know them, too), then you know who they’re talking to.

In the end, IM is another way of talking.  Just like you don’t want your kids talking on the phone day and night, there are ways to keep the use of IM within the realm of reason, and it’s really very easy to do so – your phone isn’t password-protected, after all.